Thursday, December 9, 2010

I LET HIM TURN MY HEAD, AND I...



"Phillip, if you will come back and make a home with me, I will do anything, and everything you ever ask of me. I will have absolutely no rules for you. You will have them all for me. Even if you say your love for me is dead, I know that it is my fault, and I will still love, and cherish you just as though you still thought of me in the way that you did before I did this heinous thing to you. I have absolutely nothing that I can blame this on other than my own evil mind, and desires. You can believe this though. Those things have been removed from my psyche just as sure as if an exorcist had removed them. Phillip, please come home, even if it is just on a trial basis for the time being. I will sleep in the spare bedroom for as long as you say if that will help."


Phillip sat for a long time, not sobbing, but with tears streaming down his face while he thought about all the things Vanessa had said to him, listening to her soft sobs while she waited for him to reply. Finally he said, "Vanessa, my love for you will never die. I love you as much right now as I did before this all happened. I have the desire to take you in my arms right now, and tell you that it is all going to be OK, that we will, with work, be able to get through this. The problem is that I just can't do that. Even as sorrowful as I know you are, I don't think you even have the capability of understanding, even though you try, and want to, what this has done to me, to my mind."


"The reason I look so bad is that I have been unable to keep anything down since I left the house over a week ago. I have spent as much time hovering over the commode as I have spent in this room. I can't stop my mind's eye from re-seeing what I saw in our bed that day, and every time I see it, it makes me vomit. When I saw that boy lying between your legs, and heard the obscene words you were saying to him, words that I had never heard you use before, it crushed my heart forever, and ever."


As Phillip said these words envisioning what he was describing, cause him to jump off the bed, and rush to the bathroom, again vomiting several times, although by now the dry heaves was all he could manage. He finally came back in to find Vanessa sobbing uncontrollably again. "I don't think I can ever get over that, and having to see you, even though I still love you with all that crushed heart, I think I will be sick as long as I am around you. I can't, and never will be able to function, or work enough to make a living as long as I am around you.


When I met and fell in love with you, you became the center of the universe to me. Anything, and everything took a minor role in my life, behind trying to make you happy. My work, which I love, social standing, everything took a slide backwards. See, and hearing what I did though, has cast a cross on my shoulders that I am just not strong enough to bear.


"I have thought about this a lot over the last week, and I have called NASA and quit my job. I am going to have to move to another part of the country where I won't see you, in order to try to put my life back together" Vanessa cried "No, no Phillip, please, please don't do that. I won't survive if you leave altogether." "I'm sorry." Phillip said, "This is the only solution that I can forsee that will work. You are a beautiful, desirable, young woman and every man you meet will be interested in you. Finding another to love you will not be hard for you, once you are reconciled that we are in the past. I'm not saying that it will be easy to get to that point, but once you do, it will get easy. You said that my advise was always sound, and you could trust it. This advise is no different."


"Understand, I'm not angry at you, and I don't hate you. We have enough money put aside in savings, that I am going to leave you, that you will have enough to live on for years to come.

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